On international students

I just came across a forum post where a chinese student referred to the existence of singaporeans as safety nets during the finals. Looking at the comments posted in reaction to his statement, I can't help but feel that many singaporeans are incredibly myopic when it comes to matters like this.

Granted that remark was insensitive, inconsiderate, and above all else inadmissable for a foreigner to make of his host country, no matter how true it may be. The truth is that, when I studied in NUS I thought that way as well, that there were always the lazy ass types who would cushion my fall, if ever. It just happened to be a coincidence that many of these lazy ass types were people with whom I shared the same nationality. That said, while it may be permissible for me to say it (since I'm Singaporean I'm entitled to badmouth my own countrymen lol), it is not for him, and it just reflects how lowly this particular chinese regards Singapore and her students.

However, on the flip side of the coin, I just wonder, how well has NUS welcomed foreigners? How well has NUS succeeded in integrating foreign students into Singapore? It is weird how Singaporeans take it for granted that foreigners must be able to speak perfect English when they themselves can't even get basic grammar right. Comments such as "let's give them a paper for every module and see if they can still score or not" just reflect this double standard with regards to foreigners. I admit that English is a language which must be mastered before going overseas for anybody. Yet it is completely impossible given the circumstances in which many of these students live before going overseas. Let me ask this of any Singaporean: How well have you mastered your second language, be it Chinese or Malay or Tamil or even English? How fluently can you speak it?

In all my encounters with Singaporeans, there has been but a mere minority who can use both languages with ease. Let me throw a typical Singaporean chinese into a chinese-learning environment. Do you think he will not struggle, not have any problems adapting whatsoever?

My thoughts, of course, come from my own personal experience as a foreign student in a foreign university, immersed in a foreign language environment. Here in France, all the classes are taught in French. We are expected to argue, converse, and communicate in French. It hardly needs to be said that French is nowhere near my first nor my second language. Nor is it for many foreign students here. What warms my heart, however, is how the Direction des Etudes takes into account the difficulty foreign students have with the language, and gives us some leeway when it comes to difficult stuff such as papers. When I heard that my paper for a sociology module would be marked on a different grading scheme than that for French students, I was at once grateful and hurt at the same time. I was indignant that they "underestimate" my/our level of French, yet at the same time grateful because I know that my French sucks. Why is this not done for foreign students in NUS?

Studying here in France is a rare chance to step outside the suffocating confines of NUS to look at a bigger picture of the world. Here I use all 3 languages that I know on a daily basis, and I have made enormous progress with my Chinese and my French. I mix with Chinese whom I have found to be warm and nice, albeit sometimes closed off within their community. I have discovered a different world which, in NUS, I never bothered to find out, despite the high percentage of Chinese in the school. I now realize that I, in Singapore, was just like the French students here now where I study. I had not thought to open myself to the international crowd. I had stayed contentedly within my comfort zone, and alienated foreign students because it was simply just easier to lay all the blame on them.

Which is incredibly myopic, that I have realized now.

That said, there is no excuse for making a remark like that. However, I think it is time to start bridging this gap of mutual distrust before it all culminates in some kind of violent earth-shaking nationalist movement. Conflict happens all the time with anybody in an international setting. As Singaporeans, as citizens of a global city, where foreigners and tourists alike come to at incredibly high numbers, there is no space for intolerance and distrust. This is honestly compounded by the fact that foreign students who take up the tuition loan have a 3 year bond to serve in Singapore, so don't expect the 1/3 foreign population to disappear anytime soon.

And yeah we can all blame the government for having made the wrong decisions.

Now I know that I have completely sidestepped the original topic at hand. I have already made my stand with regards to that however. I just want to say that in Singapore we take a very dim view of foreigners who do not speak "proper" English, and we brandish that as evidence that they do not wish to integrate into our society. We do not step into their shoes and see matters from their point of view, that in fact any non-mother tongue language takes time to master. I am highly aware that I live in a contradictory country, where my countrymen have distinctly different realities from the reality of the world around them. I am conscient of the fact that our government itself implements contradictory policies from time to time, and which promotes a constructed environment of "meritocracy" which stifles other kinds of merits from surfacing. I know too that matters such as these are rarely, if ever, black and white, that there are many things to consider before making a judgment of any kind.

I know full well too that comments on facebook represent but a small minority, but who are part of the younger generation of Singapore who will make up the bulk of the working class in the near future. Who will feel the effects of the foreign policy keenly in the coming years. Whose comments however may have been made in a rare rush of recklessness, which may not truly reflect their opinions.

Let me just say that in whichever case, our tiny island is like a prison more than anything else. Take a hard look at the world around it, and perhaps more Singaporeans would realize that Singapore is actually not at the centre of the world.

Far from it, really.

X

It's been a long time....

It's hard to believe that I'm here now, in France, in X. It's hard to believe that near 6 weeks have passed since I arrived. It's hard to believe that I'm actually trying to do all this math that just....doesn't seem relevant.

I'm feeling kind of lost right now. I'm looking at an impossible schedule coupled with mounting piles of homework and self-study, and a 1-month exam deadline. Not to mention a 2 week project deadline, which math I don't even know how to start doing.

Math math math....I had thought it was out of my life. Then came university, and I coped well with it. How could I not, it was so watered down. And then the fddp saturday lessons, and I thought, well I don't understand but I guess I'll have to when the time comes. And now that the time has come I realize I still don't know anything.

Everytime I go to a petite classe, coming face to face with math that seems as insurmountable as ever, I just wonder, what the hell am I doing here? If only I had the education of the classe prepa...if only I were a math major....if only....if only I had taken those math modules for real....

Even so it is supposed to be manageable, yet I cannot. I waste my time on the unimportant stuff like games and facebook, and I cannot bring myself to try to understand the math. It is incredibly difficult to move beyond my inertia. My stupidity. My head just goes, boomz everytime I try to think about the math. Isn't there a simpler way? Why is everything so mathematical.....?

I can rant and rail against the innumerable problems that keep coming my way even though I have thrown in the towel a long time ago. I stand a step back with hands raised in surrender, and yet the onslaught is relentless. How do others keep on doing it? How do they grasp the concepts so easily, and apply the calculations so effortlessly? I have problems not just with the understanding, but also with time management. So many things to do and complete and attend....

I could keep on complaining and asking why, and I know that in my mind nothing will get done. I keep trying to move myself to read something, but I just get so so so tired. Where's the relief? How do I surmount and conquer this mathematical obstacle?

From a remote viewpoint in the back of my head I can understand that all this is just routine stuff to the French. That mathematical formulae and concepts are like words to them. That for them while it isn't a walk in the park, at least they don't have to consecrate 4 hours of their nights to all this. Perhaps that is what all of them have already done, and now is just simply my turn to do so. Yet.....

Just what am I doing here? Why couldn't I have been happy to stay in singapore and maybe go to centrale for sep? Or I dunno, just elsewhere......

My head is just going to explode. This is exactly like the time in the army. And I don't know how I am going to deal with it.

I do want to emerge victorious though, I want to be able to conquer myself and turn out to be a better man compared to 4 years ago, compared to when I just let go of all responsibilities and absolved myself of all duties. I want to take charge of myself, and stop letting myself dance according to the crazy tempo like a puppet. Yet....I feel as though my resolve is weakening.....

Someone help me?

Where does the line start.

Writing used to be my hobby. Blogging, at least. Somewhere where I could perhaps say what I could not in real life.

Over time I realized I've lost the interest in blogging. Or rather, I've lost the interest in introspecting.

Perhaps it's due to the effects of misguided self-help in the areas of personality, like the enneagram, or the MBTI. It's so easy to think you're this type and that type, and end up going around in circles trying to decide how you should act and behave.

For life is but an act, isn't it? Where you either act, or be fired.

It seems as if convincing myself of being type 4, and therefore sinking into deluding fantasies every now and then, I've sort of, dissociated from what I used to identify myself with. It's not a bad thing, I think. I'm more down-to-earth now, more practical and less beating about the bush inside my own head. I'm daydreaming lesser now, more focussed on how to use the time efficiently. I've stopped being self-centred and egoistic.

Although when I revisit this blog, hover over the text box wondering what to type, I can't help but feel as if I've put on a mask that betrays my own self. Have I discarded the useless fantasy self, only to assume another fantasy self? I don't know if I'm still the person I know myself to be anymore.

I've grown rather good at managing my reactions, I'd like to think. Like encouraging myself to do stuff that my reactions abhor. Like telling myself that I'm capable even though factual data tells my mind that I'm not. When people around me castigate me and I'm still trying vainly to hold on to the shred of confidence that I still have.

I feel as though, stripped of all those fantasies, I'm nothing underneath. Only a mirror which reflects others, with illusions as its substance, and ultimately nothing but a thin sheet of metal.

I'm so good at typing introspective rubbish, aren't I. Posts which reveal everything about me. That is, everything of me that is reflected out into the world that others see. But even I have no idea what's inside.

Like, I'm missing something elemental here. My soul?

Seven Pounds

I've always thought Will Smith was slanting towards a deeper view on life in the movies that he's recently acting in. Rather than the action flicks or sometimes comedies. But if the Pursuit of Happyness was of any judge, I hadn't thought he did it very well. Or it could be the director's problem. I don't know.

But Seven Pounds caught me totally off guard.

Although I kind of wish the directing wasn't made this way because I'm not someone who can remember elements of a movie clearly. But I guess it got its effect.

I mean, the ending wasn't unexpected. And towards the middle, when he started to have flashbacks of what happened, one already gets a feeling of what he's intending to do, what the movie's building up towards. But the ending....

It still blew me away.

Or it could just be that I'm susceptible to these tearjerking shows.

But gosh...it all became clear in the end. And it was nice. Sad, but nice. As all these kind of shows are.

I liked the last scene. Emily was looking at Erza, at Tim's eyes inside Erza, and somehow Erza just knew who Emily was, that what had happened to him had happened to her too. And then they hugged, and cried, and well.

Well.

On a tangent, I remember from the Name of the Wind, this phrase that I didn't understand: the cutflower sound of a man waiting to die. I had thought that Kvothe was waiting for someone to find him and kill him, but now I realize the author was actually saying he's going to commit suicide.

Dunno why I didn't see that before. And I can't believe that because of that the phrase has been swimming around in my mind ever since I read that book. Which I think was during September last year? The 7-day outfield in which in the end, all we ever did was to line up along (crap i forgot the name) some axis near some reservoir, and shoot at our own forces.

Yeah well like I said, the army's fun(ny) in many ways.

Anyway, Seven Pounds was surprisingly good. The sobering knowledge that Tim is gonna die, that it's his only recourse, even though you wish it weren't so...

Well. Pretty emotional movie, I'd say. And it definitely beats the pursuit of happyness hands down.

Assistance?

You know what irks? It's the sight of a tai tai waltzing in with a maid and car keys and present a Financial Assistance form to collect free uniforms, books and shoes.

Over the course of the past two weeks I've been observing families who have been granted financial assistance and one thing never fails to amaze me - more than half those granted FA don't look as if they need it.

Maybe the example above was a little exaggerated. Nonetheless it was true. What exactly defines eligibility for FA? Low income? No income? Family distresses? I don't know, but for sure if my own radar is of any judge, it seems as if it's the ability to fill out a form against one's own conscience.

I know it's a bit harsh. Yes I think I might harbour an unconscious dislike towards people with FA. That's not to say I do not sympathize with people in poverty. If that word even applies in Singapore's society. I do. I feel sympathy for people who can't afford to pay their own bills, people who have to hold two jobs and hardly make ends meet, people who have disabled/ill family members and are facing financial difficulties. What I feel, however, for people who own PSPs, who come to school in cars, who have maids, and still have FA, is just pure disgust.

Fine, call me coldhearted, if you will. I'm just saying if you can afford to hire a maid, or to pay for the (not-so-expensive now) petrol bills and car maintenances, or to buy luxury gaming devices, then you can afford to pay for stuff like uniforms and books and school fees. which, incidentally, don't even total to what one gives to a maid in a month.

That's why FA is such a turnoff for me. I've noticed, without any interference from my consciousness, that when someone with FA walks in I'd be automatically put on antipathic mode. And it does all that without my own conscious direction. Sometimes, though, when the FA need is obvious enough I'd like to think I mellow enough to treat them with better service.

Still, some demanding FA customers, when demanding for free stuff, like to be picky and complain about this and that. I mean, hello? It's free. So just take it and go away.

That said, most of the time I try to remember this advice I read from a book. It has something to do with being more able to feel pity for a homeless old woman wearing tattered rags, whose need is more readily seen, than for an otherwise normal looking person but whose need, while less obvious, may not be any less urgent. Yet it is really an arduous test of patience and self control when tai tais waltz in and start demanding for free goods like its their right.

Not to mention the whole protocol with FA is so tedious and honestly speaking I really don't know how the school approves FA. Based on a form? One can have a low salary and yet get bonuses many times their salaries. So can one conceal critical information, like being silent partners in businesses and such. There are so many ways for people to circumvent the socialist system. I think as long as there is kindness there will be thugs who try to take advantage.

Maybe I'm wrong though. I certainly hope so, although I don't think my feelings are incorrect in this. One psp alone is enough for 2 full sets of uniforms and books and shoes and maybe half a year of school fees. I mean, you can buy a psp and not pay 12 dollars a month?

Okay maybe I should stop the flaming and such. I do apologize sincerely for those who take offense at my words, or those who happen to be at the flaming end of them. Never judge a group by an individual, and I certainly don't mean to do that. Of course some really do need financial assistance. I just think some schools may be going overboard in its generosity.

Or maybe I'll be the one to understand the importance of generous FA grants next time. Just not now.

If only.

If only I could turn back the tide of time...

When things are done, they're done. No point arguing with yourself, trying to justify your actions when the justification's weak and fallacious and you're justifying it to someone who already knows. Illogical, isn't it? Feelings cloud judgment, and there's no treasure greater than the cool logical mind in crises. Feelings are nothing but the haze which clouds your vision.

Maybe what you're going through is nothing. Maybe others are going through tougher stuff, more arduous struggles, so what is a little disappointment to those? A little conflict and you feel like escaping. Deal with it! Feelings only add on to the mistake, they cloud your thinking, make you procrastinate, and in hindsight you wish you'd thought it out clearly. So discard that which makes you weak.

Emotional stability is key. Let is slide. Let it roll off. Why look into so many things that are not there, or when there, don't matter a whit? There are no obstacles, only those which exist in your mind. Let it go. Let them go.

Deal with the larger wider perspective. Rationalization for feelings do not make things anymore logical, or do not justify illogical actions. Wake up! Be present to the world, instead of acting out the robotic reactions of the heart. See how your feelings programme you to act this way. Observe how you react predictably to certain situations. Suppress it! Do what is right, not just what feels right.

Think! There is no stock answer to everything. Nothing can be achieved without thinking, without struggling, without hard work. Coincidences do not happen. Luck runs out. Serendipity is elusive. And when you're down on your luck there is only the mind to rely on. The intelligence that differentiates a robot with programmed reactions and a human mind.

You think it's bad, there's worse out there. Do what you can, and leave it at that.

ORD

I'd probably just pack up my bags and walk away without turning my head back.

Sure I'd miss the happy times, the xiong times, the times of boredom where it's all you can do to keep on sitting down on your bed, restraining the restless urge to jump up and find something to do. But not so much. I guess.

I dunno, maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I just want my life to go on and to forget the tender prickly experiences. Maybe camp, NS just simply doesn't hold that many fond memories for me to reminisce and to hold on to them.

The NS experience is rewarding, to be sure. It has changed me, in more ways than one, and all of them profound. I learnt that I am selfish, that most people are selfish, that some are just downright selfish. That I could give in to momentary weakness and just, give up. That someone could castigate me so thoroughly that I can feel no anger, only an encompassing fluttering sense of bewilderment and helplessness, and oh, if only the ground would open up and swallow me up, and I could escape this living hell.

If I could go back in time, would I change some of the things that I did? Perhaps. But probably not. I am selfish.

I think living in an experience where there are no sticks or carrots to goad you into accomplishing things makes you come face to face with the pure struggle of deciding whether to put effort into something which possesses not a single reward at all. Better people than I could snap their fingers and agree with a Buddha-like generosity, but I am always conflicted. Always. But then I am selfish.

I have, had 2 idols that I've met in these 2 short years. Idols not because they're charming, or competent, or whatever. Idols because, essentially, they're all that I am not. They are the bright mirrors in which are reflected the dark fathoms of my own insecurities, incompetence and selfishness. I wish I could have at least emulated them a little. Gave a bit of myself more, thought about others a bit more.

You know there's a certain pride attached to having done more than others, having gone through tougher times than others. I wish I could have said, I've done enough. I've done more. I've done more than enough. But I haven't, nor could I ever. I look up from the inferior ranks of the selfish people and wonder why I couldn't, didn't motivate myself to sacrifice more.

Because what would be the point? I don't know. Do I even want to be like that? Do I want to care so much, because contrary to idealistic beliefs not everything/everyone cares back. Because there is simply no need to care so much.

The need to be needed. It's the driving force that motivates me.

I'd like to think that my NS experience has been rather tough compared to the usual fare. Maybe, but maybe not. I don't really think it's been that bad. Maybe because it's already over. Maybe because I didn't dive headfirst into doing everything. Maybe because I didn't bother to do everything I'm supposed to. But I think objectively it really hasn't been bad. I had my freedom. I had my space. I had some pretty cool bunkmates. What are several outfields compared to the restraining life of men, the routine boredom of RPs, the extreme of commandos/guards/recce?

Looking back I think I've been fortunate. I didn't need to deal with problems some of us had. I had some guardian angels who helped me during my times of need. I had a good platoon/driver in cougar. I think the transfer was inevitable, and in the end it turned out for the better. I could hardly have asked for more.

In the end all I'm feeling is an overwhelming sense of relief. Not unlike graduation days in sec sch and jc. I think I'm just wired this way. No strings, no heartache. Mostly this jumble of memories that make me want to cringe inside and bury them in the deepest layer of my mind.

I've changed. Probably for the better. But I don't think I'd look back much. There's nothing to hold me, not much I could have done to hold me, not many friends I could absolutely say would remain in contact for the rest of my life.

For sure, ORD could not come sooner. I feel like my life has just begun, like I've come out of a dark cave blinking at the bright sunlight and seeing the leagues and leagues where my life will play itself out. I feel reborn.

Arrayed with the myriad possibilities and potentials of life, I just can't wait to get out.