stretching on
It's so hard to summarise in a single blog post what went on in the army that made me what I am now. And I'm not going to try.
But I am glad where I am. Archer even. Maybe I'm just in an upswing mood now coz for once my vehicle is still working after coming back from a field camp, but I don't think that's it. It's this bubbling sense of optimism that you get under your skin that threatens to spill over and out anytime.
During the moments of ultra boredom in bunk, where you vaccilate between the indecision of fixing a vehicle that you know you have no skills to fix, and encroaching on others' privacy to mess around and waste time, I eventually settled on lying down on my bed and listening to my mp3 player. And I felt nothing.
But let me explain first. My selection of songs in my player is such that when I listen to them I get into a different mode and I'd feel relaxed and imaginative. Always. My mind will go into some bamboozling frenzy and start thinking about random stuff which I don't remember afterwards. Sort of like a trance. Then, though, I just felt frustrated.
I don't really know why. Maybe because of the vehicles. Maybe because I've heard the songs thousands of times. Maybe because I was sick and having difficulty breathing. But, maybe, I'm just outgrowing this depressed self-absorbed me.
There's a bit of truth there. I don't know why, but sad songs no longer kindle the same emotions within me. It's as if I've somehow lost touch with being sad. All I was focusing on was the future. What I want to do after CPT. What I want to learn. The now seems a bit irrelevant and is something I want to get it done and over with.
On an unrelated note, While messing around with paint while doing guard duty, I realized that I simply can't draw any symbolic or abstract stuff. At all. Everything has to be something. A waveform, a ship, a dragon, an eye, whatever. There are no seemingly tangled strings that somehow form a pleasing image. So I'm probably an S rather than an N. Not that it matters so much.
I have this hypothesis that being introverted doesn't really mean being a hermit. Or to cutoff all relationships. Rather, it's just that one doesn't get energized from interacting with many friends. One on one, or a small group, like, 3 persons, can be energizing and fun as well. I used to value the me-time to ruminate over my own personality and depression and whatever average Fours do, but now I just get frustrated going over the issues that no longer seem so important anymore. Now I want to go out into the world and interact, and work, and find myself.
Not that I don't like being alone. I find interacting with strangers or simply-friends excruciatingly draining. It's like an exhausting dance where I have to anticipate my partner's movements all the time and I just want to collapse. Or flee and hide elsewhere. Or change partners.
Sigh. Issues that no longer seem so important. Like I said, I'm moving on.
But I am glad where I am. Archer even. Maybe I'm just in an upswing mood now coz for once my vehicle is still working after coming back from a field camp, but I don't think that's it. It's this bubbling sense of optimism that you get under your skin that threatens to spill over and out anytime.
During the moments of ultra boredom in bunk, where you vaccilate between the indecision of fixing a vehicle that you know you have no skills to fix, and encroaching on others' privacy to mess around and waste time, I eventually settled on lying down on my bed and listening to my mp3 player. And I felt nothing.
But let me explain first. My selection of songs in my player is such that when I listen to them I get into a different mode and I'd feel relaxed and imaginative. Always. My mind will go into some bamboozling frenzy and start thinking about random stuff which I don't remember afterwards. Sort of like a trance. Then, though, I just felt frustrated.
I don't really know why. Maybe because of the vehicles. Maybe because I've heard the songs thousands of times. Maybe because I was sick and having difficulty breathing. But, maybe, I'm just outgrowing this depressed self-absorbed me.
There's a bit of truth there. I don't know why, but sad songs no longer kindle the same emotions within me. It's as if I've somehow lost touch with being sad. All I was focusing on was the future. What I want to do after CPT. What I want to learn. The now seems a bit irrelevant and is something I want to get it done and over with.
On an unrelated note, While messing around with paint while doing guard duty, I realized that I simply can't draw any symbolic or abstract stuff. At all. Everything has to be something. A waveform, a ship, a dragon, an eye, whatever. There are no seemingly tangled strings that somehow form a pleasing image. So I'm probably an S rather than an N. Not that it matters so much.
I have this hypothesis that being introverted doesn't really mean being a hermit. Or to cutoff all relationships. Rather, it's just that one doesn't get energized from interacting with many friends. One on one, or a small group, like, 3 persons, can be energizing and fun as well. I used to value the me-time to ruminate over my own personality and depression and whatever average Fours do, but now I just get frustrated going over the issues that no longer seem so important anymore. Now I want to go out into the world and interact, and work, and find myself.
Not that I don't like being alone. I find interacting with strangers or simply-friends excruciatingly draining. It's like an exhausting dance where I have to anticipate my partner's movements all the time and I just want to collapse. Or flee and hide elsewhere. Or change partners.
Sigh. Issues that no longer seem so important. Like I said, I'm moving on.
posted by Endolori | 8:33 AM
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