ORD

I'd probably just pack up my bags and walk away without turning my head back.

Sure I'd miss the happy times, the xiong times, the times of boredom where it's all you can do to keep on sitting down on your bed, restraining the restless urge to jump up and find something to do. But not so much. I guess.

I dunno, maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I just want my life to go on and to forget the tender prickly experiences. Maybe camp, NS just simply doesn't hold that many fond memories for me to reminisce and to hold on to them.

The NS experience is rewarding, to be sure. It has changed me, in more ways than one, and all of them profound. I learnt that I am selfish, that most people are selfish, that some are just downright selfish. That I could give in to momentary weakness and just, give up. That someone could castigate me so thoroughly that I can feel no anger, only an encompassing fluttering sense of bewilderment and helplessness, and oh, if only the ground would open up and swallow me up, and I could escape this living hell.

If I could go back in time, would I change some of the things that I did? Perhaps. But probably not. I am selfish.

I think living in an experience where there are no sticks or carrots to goad you into accomplishing things makes you come face to face with the pure struggle of deciding whether to put effort into something which possesses not a single reward at all. Better people than I could snap their fingers and agree with a Buddha-like generosity, but I am always conflicted. Always. But then I am selfish.

I have, had 2 idols that I've met in these 2 short years. Idols not because they're charming, or competent, or whatever. Idols because, essentially, they're all that I am not. They are the bright mirrors in which are reflected the dark fathoms of my own insecurities, incompetence and selfishness. I wish I could have at least emulated them a little. Gave a bit of myself more, thought about others a bit more.

You know there's a certain pride attached to having done more than others, having gone through tougher times than others. I wish I could have said, I've done enough. I've done more. I've done more than enough. But I haven't, nor could I ever. I look up from the inferior ranks of the selfish people and wonder why I couldn't, didn't motivate myself to sacrifice more.

Because what would be the point? I don't know. Do I even want to be like that? Do I want to care so much, because contrary to idealistic beliefs not everything/everyone cares back. Because there is simply no need to care so much.

The need to be needed. It's the driving force that motivates me.

I'd like to think that my NS experience has been rather tough compared to the usual fare. Maybe, but maybe not. I don't really think it's been that bad. Maybe because it's already over. Maybe because I didn't dive headfirst into doing everything. Maybe because I didn't bother to do everything I'm supposed to. But I think objectively it really hasn't been bad. I had my freedom. I had my space. I had some pretty cool bunkmates. What are several outfields compared to the restraining life of men, the routine boredom of RPs, the extreme of commandos/guards/recce?

Looking back I think I've been fortunate. I didn't need to deal with problems some of us had. I had some guardian angels who helped me during my times of need. I had a good platoon/driver in cougar. I think the transfer was inevitable, and in the end it turned out for the better. I could hardly have asked for more.

In the end all I'm feeling is an overwhelming sense of relief. Not unlike graduation days in sec sch and jc. I think I'm just wired this way. No strings, no heartache. Mostly this jumble of memories that make me want to cringe inside and bury them in the deepest layer of my mind.

I've changed. Probably for the better. But I don't think I'd look back much. There's nothing to hold me, not much I could have done to hold me, not many friends I could absolutely say would remain in contact for the rest of my life.

For sure, ORD could not come sooner. I feel like my life has just begun, like I've come out of a dark cave blinking at the bright sunlight and seeing the leagues and leagues where my life will play itself out. I feel reborn.

Arrayed with the myriad possibilities and potentials of life, I just can't wait to get out.