Where does the line start.
Writing used to be my hobby. Blogging, at least. Somewhere where I could perhaps say what I could not in real life.
Over time I realized I've lost the interest in blogging. Or rather, I've lost the interest in introspecting.
Perhaps it's due to the effects of misguided self-help in the areas of personality, like the enneagram, or the MBTI. It's so easy to think you're this type and that type, and end up going around in circles trying to decide how you should act and behave.
For life is but an act, isn't it? Where you either act, or be fired.
It seems as if convincing myself of being type 4, and therefore sinking into deluding fantasies every now and then, I've sort of, dissociated from what I used to identify myself with. It's not a bad thing, I think. I'm more down-to-earth now, more practical and less beating about the bush inside my own head. I'm daydreaming lesser now, more focussed on how to use the time efficiently. I've stopped being self-centred and egoistic.
Although when I revisit this blog, hover over the text box wondering what to type, I can't help but feel as if I've put on a mask that betrays my own self. Have I discarded the useless fantasy self, only to assume another fantasy self? I don't know if I'm still the person I know myself to be anymore.
I've grown rather good at managing my reactions, I'd like to think. Like encouraging myself to do stuff that my reactions abhor. Like telling myself that I'm capable even though factual data tells my mind that I'm not. When people around me castigate me and I'm still trying vainly to hold on to the shred of confidence that I still have.
I feel as though, stripped of all those fantasies, I'm nothing underneath. Only a mirror which reflects others, with illusions as its substance, and ultimately nothing but a thin sheet of metal.
I'm so good at typing introspective rubbish, aren't I. Posts which reveal everything about me. That is, everything of me that is reflected out into the world that others see. But even I have no idea what's inside.
Like, I'm missing something elemental here. My soul?
Over time I realized I've lost the interest in blogging. Or rather, I've lost the interest in introspecting.
Perhaps it's due to the effects of misguided self-help in the areas of personality, like the enneagram, or the MBTI. It's so easy to think you're this type and that type, and end up going around in circles trying to decide how you should act and behave.
For life is but an act, isn't it? Where you either act, or be fired.
It seems as if convincing myself of being type 4, and therefore sinking into deluding fantasies every now and then, I've sort of, dissociated from what I used to identify myself with. It's not a bad thing, I think. I'm more down-to-earth now, more practical and less beating about the bush inside my own head. I'm daydreaming lesser now, more focussed on how to use the time efficiently. I've stopped being self-centred and egoistic.
Although when I revisit this blog, hover over the text box wondering what to type, I can't help but feel as if I've put on a mask that betrays my own self. Have I discarded the useless fantasy self, only to assume another fantasy self? I don't know if I'm still the person I know myself to be anymore.
I've grown rather good at managing my reactions, I'd like to think. Like encouraging myself to do stuff that my reactions abhor. Like telling myself that I'm capable even though factual data tells my mind that I'm not. When people around me castigate me and I'm still trying vainly to hold on to the shred of confidence that I still have.
I feel as though, stripped of all those fantasies, I'm nothing underneath. Only a mirror which reflects others, with illusions as its substance, and ultimately nothing but a thin sheet of metal.
I'm so good at typing introspective rubbish, aren't I. Posts which reveal everything about me. That is, everything of me that is reflected out into the world that others see. But even I have no idea what's inside.
Like, I'm missing something elemental here. My soul?
posted by Endolori | 10:29 PM
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